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Thursday, December 8, 2016

PHOENIX #02 - GROUND ZERO

 "Phoenix 2: Ground Zero". 1987. Leisure. This is absolutely the worst piece of shit that has ever existed. We're talking 1994 Tonya Harding knee assault kinda shit. Author David Alexander...oh the horror you have brought to the people. The horror! I love this stuff. I can't get enough of it. But "Phoenix"? Oh Dear God, where do I even start?

Remember the first book? Shit, I don't either but let's do the quick recap to get newbies up the on feces-storm that is book two. Phoenix (real name Magnus Trench) is currently an attorney, formerly a Vietnam vet bad-ass and is vacationing alone in California when the US goes total Nuke-soup. He survives because he has goes into a cave to avoid the bomb, radiation and this strange Russian virus they have plagued Earth with. Not sure why the teacher had us climbing under our desks for nuke drills. We should have found a damn cave to practice in! His wife and son are on the East coast so Phoenix is out to search for them across the American wasteland. He makes it into LA where he learns that only after 3 months since the nuke that the entire US military is gone. So are the cops and all semblance of law and order. Instead factions have arose and most people have dropped their first and last names and gone with cool monikers like "Uber Ballsack" or "Banana Dick". Magnus Trench becomes PHOENIX. Phoenix learns there are the Contams, folks that have the Russian viral shit. He also learns there is a New World Order called SCORF. He finds he is immune to the virus and a target for SCORF. They don't like all this immunity cock and balls and want him deader than Prince. That's pretty much the bullshit that made up the first book. Next pile of poo is book two. 

Phoenix and teen prostitute September Song part ways somewhere between LA and Las Vegas, leaving Phoenix in a little town called Trinity in the opening pages. He gets into a gun fight with some dudes and gets his ass saved by a midget named Big Wally. Adorable. Big Wally and Phoenix head into Las Vegas where the Sheik runs the show and controls EVERYTHING. You don't crap unless the Sheik okays it. Got it? Good. 


I love how Phoenix can walk into a shop and they just hand him awesome guns and loads upon loads of ammo. For God's sake it's the end of the world. No one rides for free...except Magnus Trench. He gets everything for free because he survived the bomb in a cave. It turns out that it's Murder Weekend or something in Las Vegas. The Sheik has his road games where contestants battle in fast cars toting huge guns. I called it "Death Race 2000". It's only a matter of time before our boy Trench gets to meet The Sheik. The Sheik needs a new contestant to represent his faction so Trench gets a sweeeeet ride called Death Wings...because everything has to have an awesome name. Guess what else Trench gets? For free? Sluts. Lots of them. For free. And food. And showers. And lodging.

After the hanky panky jazz, and there is A LOT, Phoenix enters the death race thingy and of course he can outrun everyone. He mops the track up with the clowns and then notices all of these troops and planes trying to shoot him down. TRYING. Guess what? Phoenix goes about 120MPH and then hits his nitrogen and jumps out of the race track using a well placed ramp. Convenience and total bad-assery. Did I mention that over the weekend SCORF went out and found 6 of Cobra's most vile villains to take out Phoenix. Yeah, in a weekend they found these goons, trained them and brought them in to kill Phoenix. I wonder if they had weighed in at the end to determine the biggest loser? Okay while those goons are training to take out the Phoenix....

Phoenix is outrunning a fighter jet in a car. Yep. He ends up wrecking and falling into another damn cave. Here's where the shit really gets crazy. You ain't seen nothing yet Junior. Inside the cave is a sex cult! Literally humpin-and-a-grindin. All day. All night. Why? Well they have this theory that if they talk in proverbs, use one word names (even in a cave they know this is obligatory) and screw the living shit out of each other then they can escape Earth during orgasm. I'm gonna stop right there and let you re-read that again....

Okay? Okay.

At one point Phoenix watches the ultimate of orgies go down and, in his infinite wisdom, asks when it can be his turn. I mean the dude has plowed his way through Vegas broads and that was only yesterday for God's sake. Well, leave it to a bunch of cave orcs to ruin a good orgy. They show up and start hauling the bimbos and penis wielders into the bowels of the Earth where they eat them. So Phoenix quickly learns that he is going to have to get the F outta the caves and forget all this Peter North bullshit. He's gotta go to the surface and fight it out with SCORF. Orcs or SCORF? No whammies, no whammies, c'mon....no whammies.

Phoenix using a small arsenal meets the SCORF baddies in an abandoned western styled town and takes them out. But SCORF's head honcho is there with a surprise and Phoenix is taken into his custody. 

David Alexander. Oh, oh, oh. You shit the bed. Big time. I am assuming this is comedy, it has to be right? But it isn't "Spaceballs" funny. It's just...simply awful at best. It's porn. Like not even the good kind. I mean every single male character is essentially running around with massive swollen man-sticks and ramming it in every female orifice. It's 16 year old stuff. It's gun porn too. But again, not a very good one. Get this...

"Autofire chattered as Trench hit the deck narrowly avoiding the brace of 7.56mm flesh-shredders that whizzed overhead from the chattering Steyr AUG .223 submachine gun."

If you don't know guns, .223 is the caliber of the Steyr AUG firearm. It shoots .223 bullets or what they refer to as NATO rounds in .556. It's your modern day AR-15. Very common. Yet the author mixes two different calibers together in describing the firearm. The 7.56 he is describing is essentially the .32ACP. It could be he was confused and was "shooting" for a 7.62mm style in .308. Either way it screwed the pooch. He does it again when talking about the JATI SMG piece. In most pages he has it shooting 9MM, which is what it is chambered for. But on page 185 he describes to the reader how it is chambered in .45ACP. Good God man! Your firearms aren't even accurate. 

If you are looking for all volumes of this series you can purchase them in digital format at Amazon. You owe it to yourself to at least pick the whole series up for $10 and just poke fun at what is essentially some of the worst fiction ever created. You buy. You buy now!