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Saturday, December 24, 2016

LAST RANGER #06 - THE WARLORD'S REVENGE

Think of Craig Sargent's sixth entry in the post-apocalyptic series "Last Ranger" as the book that just sort of sits sideways on the shelf with its peers. Unlike the previous five books, which were pretty damn good, "The Warlord's Revenge" is stunningly boring. Halfway through I'm sitting there just wondering why I've dedicated this small little portion of my life to this paperback pile of poo-poo. Let's discuss...

Martin Stone, the hot Cherokee warrior Meyra and her tribe of Native Americans have escaped that madman with all the nukes. All that jazz happened in book five. Yet Stone was only able to shoot one nuke out of the sky. The other one fell and, needless to say, the skies are purple pink and some folks are growing tails. Like seriously radioactive. The first few chapters has Stone and the crew battle a little band of outlaws that lasts...oh...a half page. Then Stone bangs Meyra again which was a first of the series. Hitting the same tail twice. Stone is practically hitching his wagon indefinitely to Meyra. Player settling down?

Around the 80 page mark Stone leaves the folks and heads back to his bomb-shelter hideaway to restock on Iodine tablets and motorcycle rockets. That's a real thing buster. Unfortunately he reads a note that says his sister, April, left the shelter because some mafia goons were chasing her and Doctor Kennedy (a minor character from a prior book, does it matter?). Here's the thing. Stone has this bad-ass fortified shelter that will sustain itself for ten years if he just did nothing but eat Ho-Hos all day everyday. He can sit in there and just chill out. Why in the Hell is he out on a motorcycle fighting cannibals and warlords? Tail. Gotta be the bimbo tail. 

By page 100 Stone is headed to the place where he thinks April might be. But shit...April was sold into prostitution by a mafia henchman named Scalzanni. He is running this shopping mall of sin. You can go there and gamble, do the wild-monkey dance and partake in enough drugs to float Keith Richards. Scalzanni has April there and Stone wants her back. Immediately our hero gets himself captured and Scalzanni tucks him away into a torture lab. A prostitute friend helps him to escape and he ultimately kills Scalzanni...with the help of Excalibur (the mutt that Stone pals around with). On his way back to the mall to get April he finds that she has once again been captured and taken to some place called Apaloosa. The end.

First off...I would lay down some ground rules for sister April. I mean this chick has been in captivity in some fashion since book one. If she isn't being hauled off to strip or whore around then she is being attacked at home by mafia goons. Christ almighty can she just lay low for a book or two? Second, Stone really doesn't do much of anything in this book. The first 100 pages has him wreck his bike, shoot down an outlaw gang and blow a helicopter out of the sky with a motorcycle rocket. I mean this just isn't wetting the old whistle like it used to. I think Sargent was just attempting to get Stone from Point A to Point B with this book and it really does little else. If you are reading the series in chronological order...you could honestly just skip this piece of shit.